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Can You Hear Me?
There's a reason why I love you.
There's a reason why I want you.
There's a reason why I need you.
I want you because I need you because I love you. 
And I love you because the very first time I looked in your eyes,
I saw a passion I'd never seen. 
I saw into your soul and I felt you saw into mine.
Your eyes read my heart and mine read your eyes.
I can't stop thinking about the day when you hold me in your arms,
And you tell the truth when you say "It's going to be okay."

But it's not okay. 
Because you're not mine. 
Do you know I'm here?
I'm starving for your attention.
I love you.
I want to live happily ever after with you.
I love you.
You're perfect.
I want you.
You bring out the best in me.
I need you.
You make me a better person.
I'm in love with you.

Can you hear me? 

Back to Blogging

Okay, well I'm finally back from CA! And my blog entries will be more even now.

I kind of felt like posting on forgiveness and the steps to healing.
My life has been a pattern of ups and downs, with a lot of hurting in between. But now that I've realized the freedom of forgiveness, I kinda realized I could move on.
Step 1: Letting it out
       Life got easier when I just yelled and screamed and flailed around for a bit, then sat calmly and said "I forgive you". It took throwing a tirade to cool me down.
Step 2: Letting it go
       I realized that the anger was only hurting me. So I let myself cry.
Step 3: Walking away
       I walked away from it. I don't think about it anymore. I'm just moving on. It can stay behind.
It sounds easy. Its really hard. Its really not this simple. But these steps are how I got over my anger. And it took 6 years. Don't take it lightly.

Surviving an Obsessed Mother

My mom is obsessed with my education. I mean OBSESSED. So obsessed that we started school yesterday. Eight subjects a semester.
It makes me feel like I'm drowning. Like dying. Like I'm falling. But I'm not. I'm just overwhelmed and learning to take life as it comes. Just learning to breathe. And it feels better.
Julius Caesar, my Thororoughbred baby boy, is the true love of my life and my relief. I tell him everything. He stands there and lets me cry on his shoulder. He doesn't say anything when I act stupid. He's just there.

Writer's Block: Not So Genius

Which modern invention do you think the world would be better off without?
Porn. Playboy. Period.

My Latest Mistake

I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house. That don't bother me. I can take a few tears now and then and just let them out. I'm not afraid to cry every once in a while, even though going on with you gone still upsets me. There are days ever now and then again that I pretend I'm ok but that's not what gets me.
It's hard to deal with the pain of loosing you everywhere I go, but I'm doing it. It's hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and I'm alone. Still harder, getting up, getting dressed and living with this regret. But, if I could do it over, I would trade, give away and watch the words that I'd say and that I'd left unspoken.

What hurts the most is being so close and having so much to say, and watching you walk away. Never knowing what could have been. And not seeing that loving you was what I was trying to do.

That's what I was trying to do. And it was a mistake.

2am and she calls me cuz I'm still awake...

"Can you help me unravel my latest mistake? I don't love him! Winter just wasn't my season."

The world is falling apart. Life hurts. There's no escaping that truth.

"Yeah, we walk thru the doors, so accusing their eyes like they have any right at all to criticize. Hypocrites! You're all here for the very same reason."

Others, who aren't nearly better than we, judge like they're omnicient.

"Cuz you can't jump the track; we're like cars on a cable and life's like an hourglass glued to the table."

The saddest part about life is that we make the mistake, thinking it's no biggie, and then it winds up being hell on earth.

"No one can find the rewind button, so cradle your head in your hands and breathe."

And we can't take it back.

"There's a light at each end of this tunnel. You shout cuz your in as far as you'll ever be out. And these mistakes you've made, you'll make them again if you only try turning around."

We each seem to have major trouble letting go of the past. If we'd just let go and give it up, maybe it'd stop coming back to hurt and haunt us so badly.
2 AM and I'm still awake, writing a song. If I get it all down on paper, it's no longer inside of me, threatening the life it belongs to. And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud and I know that you'll use them, however you want to.

I'm thinking about life. I'm thinking about the soul. Why is life worth living?. Because we have a soul. And that soul gives us the reason to live. The soul needs saving. That's why we were sent a Savior.

He's the only one who can rewind our latest mistake.

"I don't love him. Winter just wasn't my season."

Writer's Block: Le Quatorze Juillet

Happy Bastille Day! Today the French celebrate the event that sparked the French revolution. In honor of our Francophone friends, what is your favorite French thing? Bonus points for answers en français.
J'adore le Tour d'Eiffel et le langue de Francais. Il est tres belle!!

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August 2009